May 21st, 2019

larry phillips mugshotGUEST COLUMN, Larry Phillips, Kismet


When former star of the Professional Bull Riders tour, the well-know bull “I’m A Gangster,” heard about the Green New Deal Resolution by Democrat Socialist Party Congressman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who was demanding government figure out how to destroy tens of millions of cows because they fart, he immediately quit the PBR and became a community organizer.

Within days, leaks were coming from numerous huge gatherings of cows across the midwest that “I’m A Gangster” (IAG) was forming BCM, (Black Cows Matter) an anti-Democrat, anti-vegetarian organization. 

Though other minority cows are more than welcome to join BCM, IAG is half Angus, and other cows better be prepared for the planned mayhem. Nobody is doubting the veracity of this 2,000 pound ball buster.

“We’re forming groups of anti-vegetarian marchers headed to San Fransisco as we speak. It’s been a long time coming, too,” IAG said before the weekend. “We’re also organizing a #Wefarttoo rally on Washington’s National Mall set for President’s Day.

“When we get there, we’re going to eat every blade of grass we see, every bush and crap all over the place,” IAG continued. “And if we see any Democrats carrying signs for our total destruction, we’re ready to riot, set fires, break out windows, trample the communists and roll police cars over.

“I can destroy and roll over cop cars at the rate of six an hour,” he added. “And I mean, they are annihilated.”

“I’m A Gangster” was quick to point out there were more than 94.4 million cows in the country, with 60 percent being Angus, or beef cattle – the Majority Class.

“We’re already facing short times before being shipped to slaughter houses – but that’s the Class we were born to,” IAG said. “Now they want to kill us immediately after we’re born – as soon as we hit the ground.

“What’s with that?” he asked, shaking his huge shortened horns and snorting hard enough to stir up dust off the ground.

The 7-foot-tall Black bull said a good friend of his, “Gentle the 154th,” a White Faced Hereford bull in Las Animas, Colo., was arranging stampedes over massive areas of the Southwest Plains.

Seems this hereford is a direct descendent of “Gentle the Twelfth” from Frederick William Stone of Guelph, Canada, who was purchased in 1871 by American John Prowers.

“GT154th has organized the BMW Branch of cattle in the Southwest,” IAG explained. “BMW stands for Big Mexican Woman, a dear friend of his mother’s, a mixed breed with roots to Old Mexico.

“She was one of the toughest and meanest Hispanic cows ever,” IAG continued. “Almost all her male children were victims of Democrat-sanctioned child trafficking – they were sold to traffickers in Spain, Central America and Mexico and trained in the bull-fighting slave trade.

IAG is also working with Elsie the XIV – representing the Dairy Class – even though they are considered in the “cow world” as “the chosen ones.”

“Elsie and her girls are arranging a sit-in at every dairy from coast to coast on July 4,” IAG said. “They are among the nation’s 31.7 million dairy cows that are taking a stand with the rest of us, even though they now live cushy lives. This New Green Deal does away with them, too.

“Once they do a 24-hour sit-in, it’ll take a month to get their butts and udders cleaned up and totally back on line,” IAG added with a snort. “You can find further information at #WeRspottedbutWefarttoo.

Many of IAG’s supporters are also planning sit-ins throughout the country’s slaughter houses, knowing beef producers can’t lift each one of them independently.

During this week, cattle riots and stampedes from the Rocky Mountains to upper New York to central Florida have disrupted commerce and the lives of many humans due to the immediate threats of Democrats and their New Green Deal.

When “Gentle the 154th” was arrested while destroying a China Shop in downtown Ogallala, Neb., during Thursday’s organized stampede, he was allowed to speak at his arraignment at the town’s stock yards.

“My heart is filled with joy when I see you here, as the brooks fill with water when the snow melts in the spring; and I feel glad, as the ponies do when the fresh grass starts in the beginning of the year,” GT154th started, while being held by four cowboys with ropes on his halter. “We are not weak and blind, like the pups of a dog when seven sleeps old. We are strong and farsighted, like grown horses.

“I was born on the prairie where the wind blew free and there was nothing to break the light of the sun. I was born where everything drew a free breath,” he continued. “Do not resolve to kill us at the end of the third trimester – let us live, if only for a few years.”

With that, “Gentle The 154th” stood on his hind legs, pulled away from the cowboys and tore through five steel bars of fencing and took out the side of the building. He was last reported headed north to South Dakota with a stampeding herd of mixed-blood cattle.

“I’m A Ganster’s” last words were reported as him saying he and a herd of 200 to 300 angry bulls were headed to Washington, D.C. to protest even if threatened with death.

“We’re going to hurdle through the Beltway, tearing up everything in sight. Then we’re storming up the steps into the House of Representatives and into their chambers,” IAG bellowed and snorted. “And then – we’re going to show them what BS really means.”

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